He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
