I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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