the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
