i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
