she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
