Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
