While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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