If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Farmville is her only friend.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize