Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
