Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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