I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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