Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
