just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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