Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
