Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
