His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
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she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
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He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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