i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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