Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize