i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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