the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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