I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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