'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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