I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
