apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Also, beer. Big fan.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
