Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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