I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I am naked and annoyed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
