you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
