My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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