He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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