I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
