I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
