If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
