end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
