every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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