So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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