I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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