thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
