I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
