omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
