i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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