she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
