In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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