I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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