i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
