Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
