I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
