I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
