"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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