I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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