I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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