glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
