good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
