I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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