he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
