The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
