i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
